Interesting Stuff

Interesting: To my pleasant surprise, last night I received a follow-up email from The Philosopher. This just shows, I thought, that I was misinterpreting his reserve as reluctance. I wrote back in a jolly tone, mentioning (carefully) that I was pleased to hear from him, as I wasn't sure when we parted that he wanted to go further. "I can usually tell when a man likes me," I wrote, "But in your case, I really couldn't, for whatever reason." Again, the speech act: just one more reassurance, please. You do like me, right?

His rather stunning (to me) reply: "To tell the truth, I wasn't sure." He added that when I hugged him goodbye and joked that we really must meet again because of all we have in common, he then thought, okay, "taking another step or two would be fine." This set me back on my heels. So my intuition had been right after all.

I replied: "Ah, well, I thought I picked up a certain distance. I appreciate your honesty. And I'm a candid person, you can tell. So I'll tell you frankly: if you were not sure you wanted to see me again after we had lunch, that puts a different spin on it. I really don't want to see someone, even casually, who isn't into me, so to speak. Attraction has got to be mutual or it's not fun. Anyway, I'm the one now feeling ambivalent. I think that's called irony."

He answered right away: "So, are we done?"

I tried to explain: "No, I'm on the fence, but I don't want to court anyone who has a lukewarm response to me. I'm not likely to get any prettier or nicer the next time or two you see me."

I couldn't help hoping this would be one of those romantic narratives where the man realizes the value of the woman he has taken for granted, and pursues her after all. I always hope that, because I'm essentially a romantic, though a cynical one. And no, I haven't heard back. I suspect he's "done." No doubt this was too much for him, and you might think this was my fault. I might even agree.

Did I handle this well? I'm torn between feeling I'm right to be self-protective and accusing myself of overreacting. On the one hand, it doesn't augur well that someone gives me "a time or two" to evoke a more enthusiastic response from him. Something about the way he put this sounded like he was doing me a favor. Or is that my paranoia? Would a more rational woman have avoided these questions and just pursued the opportunity?

It's hard to be objective, as always. I know one thing for sure: I dread hoping for more with someone who essentially isn't attracted to me or is half-hearted about me -- been there, have seen the results. Having a good deal in common isn't necessary and it isn't enough. And when I think about that lunch with him, I have to ask myself whether I was really so attracted to him -- or just relieved to be lunching with a man who could hold an intelligent conversation and did not talk about himself exclusively (though mostly). He wasn't Adonis, he wasn't particularly interesting and he wasn't at all amusing. He was just eminently suitable.

Is it self-respect to want more, or am I neurotic for holding out for more in a very bad romantic market?