Second Phone Call

So, true to my word, I called the 75 year old who was the sole person to contact me so far. I'll call him B (only because I'm going to follow alphabetical order for my pseudonyms, but coincidentally his name does start with B; it must be fated).

I always say these phone calls are 1) not revealing enough to make a decision as to whether you want to go further, and therefore a waste of my time, and 2) eerily like one another, in that the same dull topics are always discussed and worse, almost all people say almost all the same things, proving that we are not as different from one another as you might think. On the other hand, this call reminded me that the opposite is sort of true too -- the tone was very different from the call with A. For example, B did not seem in the least peculiar, as A did; on the contrary, he seemed full of confidence and good cheer, as if he had everything under control, unlike B. This could be related in some way or other to one of the few facts I learned about him besides his age: he lives in a fancy area of the Upper East Side and owns a home in the Hamptons to which he goes every weekend, i.e. is probably wealthy. That would increase most people's confidence right there. In fact, the cynic in me suspects that in spite of his age and lack of looks (at least as far as I could tell from the photo), he is having more success with women than I am with men. He allowed as how he is "having fun" on Match, which almost certainly supports that inference.

We didn't talk long. He started out by saying he was going to keep it short in deference to my dislike of long first conversations, which is nice, but when I tried to make a jokey remark about it ("I know I'm quirky about this, but..") he cut me off, saying it was fine, and then rushed to the topic of meeting. The first date he is free to meet is two weeks from now. Really? I said. Wow, you must be...busy. He quickly explained (he talks with the air of someone used to doing business efficiently by phone) that though he is retired (yes, he was a businessman), he does some volunteer work and is gone every weekend visiting his wife, who is in a nursing home with dementia, quickly (again) adding that if his marital status is unacceptable to me, he perfectly understands. I said it's okay (I have no desire to get married and I'd do the same in his position), so we have a (sort of) date...two weeks from now. Geez.

I also have some sort of date with C, who lives in Westchester, and about whom I know almost nothing except he's big on classical music. We have now exchanged about a thousand emails arranging for him to see me when he comes to Manhattan to visit a friend this week. Where can we go around Grand Central Station, how can we squeeze this in to the time period he has and I have, etc. I could use more of B's efficiency, frankly. A fascinating topic for emails this is not. I also pick up that C is not thrilled at having to come all the way to Manhattan, since I don't have a car and truthfully wouldn't want to travel up to Westchester to meet him either. Both of us will probably not want to pursue this unless it turns out to be better than we each think it will: the highest standards will apply.

Other news: a longish email from D, whose photo was kind of cute-looking and who had the only profile that made me laugh and so seemed slightly promising, though he lives hours away in NJ. But D was emailing me to say he regrets to tell me (but is overjoyed) that he has met a woman on Match with whom he is "smitten." I felt a bit bad about this for one second, that is, long enough for me to read the joke with which he concluded his email, "hoping I would find it funny". It was a joke about a pedophile in bed with a nine year old. It wasn't funny, but that's beside the point: why would you send this to a perfect stranger, not to say one you are rejecting? What does this say about him?

I have to remember this when I think of myself as peculiar. I'm not as peculiar as some people.

B is having fun. D is overjoyed. Am I having fun yet? Not yet. But I'm soldiering on.

Replies Start Coming

So out of about 20 emails I sent, I did hear from the majority after all, though not the two or three I was most interested in, who were the best educated. One who replied "just started dating someone else", another finds me "interesting but not a match," a third says No because I'm too far away. One guy thinks I am probably a "fun individual" but says "a romantic connection is not likely". No explanation. He is sorry to have to tell me this, because he knows "this can hurt a little." Thanks, but I would have forgotten all about you if you hadn't gone out of your way to point out how romantically unattractive I am.

Selecting who to contact is the part I find most arduous. You're given almost no information in these profiles, besides a picture, a short statement, and a few facts and interests. Most men who are in the age range likely to respond to me (65-75) are not adorable to look at, and I can't help noticing that, pace evolutionary psychologists who claim women are genetically disposed to be less interested in looks compared to resources, the better-looking men of this age ask for younger women and rarely respond to me. Plus you're not supposed to judge the book by its cover and the man by his photo, or the psychotherapeutic police will punish you (a lot of P's in there)for being too neurotically picky (another P).

If the profile picture is not allowed as an index to the wonderful man he could be, the profile statements are almost all the same: everyone's funny (if not witty), everyone wants a companion with great values and has great values himself, everyone loves museums, music and dining out, everyone wants a travel companion, and so forth. Actually the best indicator is the list of facts: I look at 1)height -- here's my second indefensible prejudice -- I'm not attracted to men shorter than I am (though I've shrunk to 5'4" now, which helps), and the taller, the better 2)religion -- I can't take a devotee of any kind, but I'm trying to include "spiritual" as part of my broaden-the-scope policy, and 3)politics -- arrest me, psychotherapeutic police, but being intimate with someone on a daily basis who is way to the right of me (okay, even fairly to the right of me) is just beyond the pale (still another P word). Beyond these, it's all up for grabs; you have no way of knowing at all who these people are. I suppose you could see this as exciting if you're a glass-half-full type, but not being that, I find it exhausting. Still, there are a few who have replied who are sort of okay. More on that later.

I Start Dating

Here we go again. I'm going to start dating online, and I want to keep a record of the experience, because I don't know many women over age sixty who have the courage to do this. I've just joined Match because I'm tired of being alone for years now, and like so many others in my position, I don't know how else to meet men.

It's not like I haven't done this before, and that's what scares me. I'm all too familiar with the rising hopes, the sadness when I confront the reality of who's out there, the humiliation of rejection before I'm even given a chance to meet, and the sheer boredom of wasting my time in trivial conversation with men who don't attract me. Too bad. It's part of the process, and it has to be done, like check-ups at the dentist. Except that's not a good analogy, because after my teeth are cleaned, I feel good, healthier than before, having gotten a concrete result with minimal time and effort (though more money). I can't say that about dating: on the contrary, I often feel a little dirty after these encounters online. And I don't mean in a good way, because I wouldn't touch most of the men I see with the proverbial ten-foot pole. It doesn't raise my opinion of mankind much, either.

But hey, hope is that thing with feathers that flaps around no matter what nasty and pessimistic thoughts I have. So here goes, and we'll see if my experience this summer lives up to my cynicism.